My Mom Passed Away A Year Ago… Dad Got A Girlfriend
[ My Mom Passed Away A Year Ago... Dad Got A Girlfriend ]
I’m 13 years old, and my mom passed away last summer. My dad found a girlfriend and she was all nice in the beginning. Now that we found a house, moved in, and… Well, she’s been… What can I say, a bitch. I feel like I’m worthless to my dad because he’s been acting like his girlfriend means so much more to him than his own two children. He goes out with her all the time, and my 14 year old brother and me home alone. They come back home late, and they don’t tell us where they were. They even bought our new beds, and decided the paint color of the house without consulting either one of us. I hate it! I know that my mom passed away, but it doesn’t mean I can’t have memories of her right? Well, I packed a whole bag of my baby tapes and my mom’s albums, and SHE THREW THEM all out! I have no idea where all the family pictures went of my mom! It’s been a big concern for me. Also, I found out they were having sex… it made me feel really uncomfortable. They even talk about it in front of us, like "she sweats at night.” Things have become a blur for me because I hate coming home, and because my dad won’t leave his girlfriend. He says that she’s the one helping him, but before she even came my aunt and uncle were the ones helping with EVERYTHING. Now he says they can’t help. I know this is very confusing but I really need your opinion. Can you help me please?
- MORE LOSS & CONFUSION
Dear MORE LOSS & CONFUSION,
Your dad and his girlfriend are idiots. They are very inconsiderate of your brother and you. You both are still grieving for the loss of your mother while they are either in their own world or trying to get your mom off your minds. It is more than likely that they aren’t purposely doing what they’re doing to anger you off. They probably truly think that by removing your mom from the equation, you and your brother will heal faster. WRONG, of course! Only time will heal… What about the paint color and dates? Well, your dad is dating and he and his girlfriend are in their own little world. They are making plans on how they will build and spend THEIR life together. Just as they mistakenly tried to factor your mom out everyone’s life, they forgot to include you and your brother in their new life together. Of course it’s not good and wrong.
Your dad seems to have gotten over your mom pretty fast and moved on. I find this very odd and early for him. He is probably coping with his loss by trying to forget and move on. Just because something “works” for him doesn’t mean it works for you. He and his girlfriend’s selfishness are only bringing you and your brother more pain. You don’t have to put up with their crap. There are two way to go about fixing this blur. You can attempt to do it the nice way or the payback way.
The nice way:
You sit down your dad and his girlfriend (together or separately) and have a heart to heart conversation. Explain to them that you and your brother haven’t yet gotten over the loss of your mom and that only time will heal. Tell them to give you both your space, to keep their romance private, to do nothing that will appear like they are trying to make you both forget your mom or replace her with the girlfriend, and to include you both in their decisions for “their future.” If this doesn’t work or works only for a while, do the payback way.
The payback way:
You must have seen Parent Trap or another movies where the kids make the life of the parents a living hell, that’s exactly what you do. Since they think they know best, when they don’t, they need to be taught… It’s your turn to honor the memory of your mother, stop the fornication, and change your dads focus from his girlfriend to what’s more important, his kids.
- The sex needs to stop. Take turns with your brother on spending the night in your dad’s room between him and his girlfriend. If they try to get it on during the day, knock on their door and interrupt. You can also create mini emergencies that will require your dad’s immediate attention.
- Since your parents find it okay to do whatever they want to the house, why shouldn’t you? If you think the living room needs a coat of pink paint, get to work. The big TV that’s in the living room will definitely look better in your room!
- Be prepared for when your parents try to go out. Force them to take you and your brother with them or don’t let them get into the car without you both. Whenever they take you both along on their date, make sure they regret it at the end of the day.
- Find where your old family photos and videos are hidden. Hang up the pictures all through the house and only watch old family videos that have show your mom.
- As much as you can, throughout the day, when your dad or his girlfriend is around, bring up your mom. “Remember when mom…?” “Mom always let me…” “I wish mom was alive…” Refuse to forget your mom. The more that they try to make you forget her, the more you need to bring her up.
If your dad’s girlfriend isn’t that bad and would make an okay stepmom, don’t scare her out of your life. Also, don’t let her erase your mom from your life. You have a right to be frustrated with your dad and his girlfriend. Nothing will change the fact who your mom is, even though she isn’t with you. They also need to accept the fact that you aren’t ever going to forget her (not that they want you to “forget forget” her) and that you will take all the time you need to deal with your loss. If they’re going to give you hell, you can give them hell. You can get out of a lot of trouble by telling your dad that you’re acting the way you do, because you miss your mom. Which is true…
I wish you the best with unblurring your life and I’m sorry for your loss,