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My Mom Passed Away A Year Ago… Dad Got A Girlfriend

July 14, 2009 by  
Filed under Best Of KipTip, Dear Kip

My Mom Passed Away A Year Ago... Dad Got A Girlfriend
[ My Mom Passed Away A Year Ago... Dad Got A Girlfriend ]
 
 

Dear Kip,

I’m 13 years old, and my mom passed away last summer. My dad found a girlfriend and she was all nice in the beginning. Now that we found a house, moved in, and… Well, she’s been… What can I say, a bitch. I feel like I’m worthless to my dad because he’s been acting like his girlfriend means so much more to him than his own two children. He goes out with her all the time, and my 14 year old brother and me home alone. They come back home late, and they don’t tell us where they were. They even bought our new beds, and decided the paint color of the house without consulting either one of us. I hate it! I know that my mom passed away, but it doesn’t mean I can’t have memories of her right? Well, I packed a whole bag of my baby tapes and my mom’s albums, and SHE THREW THEM all out! I have no idea where all the family pictures went of my mom! It’s been a big concern for me. Also, I found out they were having sex… it made me feel really uncomfortable. They even talk about it in front of us, like "she sweats at night.” Things have become a blur for me because I hate coming home, and because my dad won’t leave his girlfriend. He says that she’s the one helping him, but before she even came my aunt and uncle were the ones helping with EVERYTHING. Now he says they can’t help. I know this is very confusing but I really need your opinion. Can you help me please?
 

- MORE LOSS & CONFUSION



Dear MORE LOSS & CONFUSION,

Your dad and his girlfriend are idiots. They are very inconsiderate of your brother and you. You both are still grieving for the loss of your mother while they are either in their own world or trying to get your mom off your minds. It is more than likely that they aren’t purposely doing what they’re doing to anger you off. They probably truly think that by removing your mom from the equation, you and your brother will heal faster. WRONG, of course! Only time will heal… What about the paint color and dates? Well, your dad is dating and he and his girlfriend are in their own little world. They are making plans on how they will build and spend THEIR life together. Just as they mistakenly tried to factor your mom out everyone’s life, they forgot to include you and your brother in their new life together. Of course it’s not good and wrong.

Your dad seems to have gotten over your mom pretty fast and moved on. I find this very odd and early for him. He is probably coping with his loss by trying to forget and move on. Just because something “works” for him doesn’t mean it works for you. He and his girlfriend’s selfishness are only bringing you and your brother more pain. You don’t have to put up with their crap. There are two way to go about fixing this blur. You can attempt to do it the nice way or the payback way.

 

The nice way:

You sit down your dad and his girlfriend (together or separately) and have a heart to heart conversation. Explain to them that you and your brother haven’t yet gotten over the loss of your mom and that only time will heal. Tell them to give you both your space, to keep their romance private, to do nothing that will appear like they are trying to make you both forget your mom or replace her with the girlfriend, and to include you both in their decisions for “their future.” If this doesn’t work or works only for a while, do the payback way.

 

The payback way:

You must have seen Parent Trap or another movies where the kids make the life of the parents a living hell, that’s exactly what you do. Since they think they know best, when they don’t, they need to be taught…  It’s your turn to honor the memory of your mother, stop the fornication, and change your dads focus from his girlfriend to what’s more important, his kids.

- The sex needs to stop. Take turns with your brother on spending the night in your dad’s room between him and his girlfriend. If they try to get it on during the day, knock on their door and interrupt. You can also create mini emergencies that will require your dad’s immediate attention.

- Since your parents find it okay to do whatever they want to the house, why shouldn’t you? If you think the living room needs a coat of pink paint, get to work. The big TV that’s in the living room will definitely look better in your room!

- Be prepared for when your parents try to go out. Force them to take you and your brother with them or don’t let them get into the car without you both. Whenever they take you both along on their date, make sure they regret it at the end of the day.

- Find where your old family photos and videos are hidden. Hang up the pictures all through the house and only watch old family videos that have show your mom.

- As much as you can, throughout the day, when your dad or his girlfriend is around, bring up your mom. “Remember when mom…?” “Mom always let me…” “I wish mom was alive…” Refuse to forget your mom. The more that they try to make you forget her, the more you need to bring her up.
 

If your dad’s girlfriend isn’t that bad and would make an okay stepmom, don’t scare her out of your life. Also, don’t let her erase your mom from your life. You have a right to be frustrated with your dad and his girlfriend. Nothing will change the fact who your mom is, even though she isn’t with you. They also need to accept the fact that you aren’t ever going to forget her (not that they want you to “forget forget” her) and that you will take all the time you need to deal with your loss. If they’re going to give you hell, you can give them hell. You can get out of a lot of trouble by telling your dad that you’re acting the way you do, because you miss your mom. Which is true…

 

I wish you the best with unblurring your life and  I’m sorry for your loss,

- Kip
 

Comments

12 Responses to “My Mom Passed Away A Year Ago… Dad Got A Girlfriend”
  1. Paul says:

    I know your only 13, but, did you ever see the woman that your dad is dating right now?

    Anyhow, normally after death of a spouse, it takes a long time to get over the death of the one you really loved, sometimes it takes years and some people loved their loved ones so hard that they stay single for the rest of their lives. Im just curious of two things here. How did your mom die? And, did your dad and mom had problems in their relationship? Hopefully you will let us know.

    Good luck with everything.

  2. MissLiLLy says:

    I think men like to bury thier problems deep instead of trying to deal with them. Plus men become dependent on their girl friends and wives and cant fend for themselves besides the whole “money maker” bit. They rely on the woman to keep the house going, to have dinner prepared and take care of lifes other tedious tasks.
    True..not ALL men are like that but I think that its the case with the majority of the male population.

    With that being said your father could very well be one of those men who strongly depends on a woman and found solace in whoever this new woman is.

    Plus it sounds like she is living in the house and you feel like she is incrouching on your mothers space and on your mothers things. Your father seems to just want to forget the whole thing every ahppened and therefore makes drastic changes to make the old home seem new. Everyone has a different way of grieving and unfortuanly his ways do no mesh with yours.

    HOWEVER if some bitch came into my family home and got rid of all the physical memories I have of my mom i would take all her stuff and have me a nice bonfire in the front yard. How insensitive can one person be??!

    But Paul also seems to have a point. Maybe this woman was a part of your dads life before your mother every passed way? Either way… thats a pretty terrrible situation for you to be in. Maybe you can go stay with some other family like your grandma and not have to deal with this insanity.

    Best of luck

    • Paul says:

      Miss Lilly, did you forget that this person is 13 years old? Take it easy with that language and apologize to her and us. :) - After all, not everyone is as bad as we are.

  3. I think her and her brother need to sit down and talk with the Father (The nice way). She could start by letting him read that letter.

    The payback way is just ridiculous! They are very young teenagers and under the control of the very person you are talking about ‘paying back’. This is real life (assuming the letter is real), not a funny movie. Punishment and discipline are real too and that’s what they would be facing in most families. How is that going to help the situation? I mean really, 13 and 14 year old teenagers jump into Daddy’s bed? What planet are you from?

    • Paul says:

      Planet Earth Sir….

    • Kip says:

      Brain,

      Ridiculous is the dad and girlfriend talking about their hot sex last night in front of children, children that haven’t got over their loss of a mother.

      If the dad and girlfriends aren’t willing to cooperate and take on the role of parents, they deserve the payback. Is that too Mars or too Venus for you? The advice is reasonable.

      • Again, I think you are missing my point. If a cop pulls you over for no good reason do you split in his face? No, you don’t, because you will end up in jail. The whole ‘pay back’ idea might sound perfect for a TV sitcom but in real life it’s just going to make things tough for a couple of teenagers.

        I agree it’s ridiculous behavior on the part of the father, I just don’t understand giving advice to children that will more than likely get them punished.

        Statements like, “if some bitch came into my family home and got rid of all the physical memories I have of my mom i would take all her stuff and have me a nice bonfire in the front yard” is something you hear in a bar any day of the week but rarely see materialize. That’s because the move would get them locked up. Yeah, great advice for teenagers!

        • Kip says:

          If physical abuse was involved then “the right thing to do” (talking to trusted relatives, telling teacher, calling police, etc) would get the kids punished. Either the parents get off the hook and punish the kids or the kids get take away from the parents and their family is torn into pieces. A true lose lose.

          What the dad and girlfriend are doing, is it not abuse? Is it not neglect? Can the kids be punished more than being forced to forget their loving mother?

          The kids “acting out” could better the situation. The dad and girlfriend will be forced to eventual reevaluate the situation and try to determine the source of what’s angering the kids.

          Once again though, talking it over with the dad is the best solution. But, what if it doesn’t work? What if he just “doesn’t get it?”

          Kids are kids and it’s their right to be and act like kids.

  4. Amanda says:

    Wow, I wish I could find this kid and have a heart-to-heart. I went through the exact same experience when I was 14…unfortunately, the sex talks, redecorating and throwing away of my mother's things eventually lead to a physically abusive environment, too. I hope that's not the case with More Loss & Confusion. What I can offer though, is that I eventually got out of the situation. Sometimes the sit down and talk method doesn't work, it didn't work for me, I got "I'm sorry you feel that way." So, I enjoy you advice Kip, I did a very similar thing as a kid, I'd add to that, if this situation hasn't resolved over the past year…tell everyone you know, everything they are doing That worked for me to help humiliate them for their bad behavior. Even when I got punished, I still went to school and told the world. It also eventually led to me finding another place to live at age 17. Also, pour yourself into school, it's a great way out. I was able to get a scholarship for college which enabled me to not have to rely on people who are not reliable, nor have my best interests at heart. Now I am a healthy, happy woman in my 20s with a college degree that I earned on my own. 

  5. Matthew says:

    Exact same thing with my dad and I'm 13 he only cares abt his gf and not me I heard them having sex once also yea I don't like the situation my mom hates my dads gf 

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